What to Do if You Are a Jerk, or a Real Quarrel is a Creative Thing
Posted By admin on December 4, 2009
The post Why I Feel Sorry For Her published in my Russian blog some time ago caused unexpectedly big interest – maybe because each of us comes across aggression in its different manifestations and sometimes does not immediately know what to do with it. It is much more difficult when close people chronically harbor aggressive attitudes towards us. Of course, we know that they are not right, but how to persuade them in it?
Here is my answer to one of such questions.
There are two variants which work out for me at different times (or in a combination):
1. Ask a straightforward question, “For what are you telling me this? or “What do you want to do with it?” Sometimes people realize that they get angry because they feel small, weak and helpless and do not know where to move. They hope we would support them and kind of strengthen… But if we support them, it will be a dead end…
2. Find the best strengths and achievements of the person who behaves this way, and carefully hint that they constitute this person’s support. If the person does not want to hear, develop this idea in your imagination, and extinguish your internal resonance. Focus on the creative power even if it is just undisclosed potential, and do not focus on weaknesses.
If the person does not want to do anything with it and in this is his/her utmost degree of comfort, switch off him/her emotionally and do not feed his/her aggression with your attention. Although I understand sometimes it is very hard…
People angrily reacting to their environment feel nettled, helpless and weak. Being rude to you, they search for confirmation of their own power and some foothold that would help them inwardly get to their feet. “For what” (pay attention: not “why”, viz. “for what”) and “What do you want to do with it?” questions just stop them giving another prospective. Indeed, is it worth it spreading out your precious energy if you do not know the desirable result? If it does not work on the first try, just repeat stupidly “what” and “for what.” Maybe this person will admit that s/he wants to prove that you are an asshole. – Of course I am, but what do you need it for? How does it solve your problems?
The second variant is also empowering. It is necessary not only to talk about their strengths, but do it absolutely genuinely, with inward sympathy. Sometimes it can be very difficult, especially when it hurts. But if it hurts and causes reactive anger and protest in you, and you try defending yourself, it means that you feel helpless yourself. Really strong people use their power very carefully and do not need to prove it. That is why no ass-hole blaming affects them.
So, when it hurts (and close people can sometimes hurt very much, because they know our sore spots), the search of your vis-?-vis’ “positiveness” becomes an interesting task that distracts you from a familiar immediate reaction. No internal resonance arises. The other person is waiting, s/he is tuned already… And suddenly you do not react the way s/he has anticipated! It disorientates him/her.
In general, changing your habitual reaction to rudeness is very effective. Sometimes you can just hug the person and calm him/her down, even if your feelings were hurt. But reacting with offence to another offence is unconstructive anyway. Sometimes you can “mirror” the same emotions with much greater exaggeration (it works really well when his/her customary reaction was withdrawal). Once, for example, I was so tired from absolutely senseless obstinacy of my husband that I beat my head against a wall, because there were no other means at hand to attract his attention to the essence of what I was saying. It worked. But it happened only once, and I am not going to use this technique again. People get used to the most effective techniques.
All in all, feelings are our investments, so it is not worth squandering them. Read other posts about it here and here
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