Happy Life with a Russian Wife

Posted By admin on December 11, 2009

Well, Christ and Voland, the characters of Mikhail Bulgakov’s novel “Master and Margarita,” expressed two opposite points of view on the matter. On the one hand, Christ said, “Knock and the door will be open,” on the other, Voland stated, “Do not ask: they will present everything on a platter.” Hmm … Interesting, though I am not going to dwell upon the lofty matters today, but about the most ordinary life situations.

Recently I have got several letters, in which people asked me to do things which they could have easily done themselves. I did not know what their motives were, but I almost rushed to fulfill their requests. No wonder, I was trusted, they had hope in me … It warmed my heart so much… And I could do it so generously…

I woke up at hearing this word and decided to calculate how much my generosity would cost me. At the same time, I wanted to find an answer to the question, why I was throwing such a good sum of money away. And if I was not throwing it away, what I would get in return. And if I did not get anything, how I would compensate for the waste of my energy that I needed to earn for the living and other needs.

As a result, I returned the requests with the appropriate explanations. So what? Ironically, people were not offended. They did that work themselves. Moreover, they got very useful and important insights thanks to it.

And everybody felt good. Because if I immediately rushed to fulfill those requests without asking why, it would mean that:

• I considered them helpless and unable to do that work themselves thus having humiliated them, or
• They considered my business and my time less valuable than theirs, and I would not have got anything adequate in return, my own plans being upset.

In any case, it would not have made anybody happy.

On the other hand, I remembered the opposite example with my friend, who had once started her business related to women’s magazines. Once she came to ask for advice and to complain about her life … “Why haven’t you asked me to help you?” I asked her. Her answer was, “Your professionalism is expensive, and I have no money to pay for it.”

The most interesting thing was that she had not even attempted to offer any other conditions than money, although at the time she really needed help of a professional team. However, for the lack of money and in the name of certain principles that prevented her from revising old approaches, she valiantly fought for a couple of years. Her business did not go well and died quietly. That’s a pity, because the idea was good.

So, to ask or not to ask?

For me, the answer came esoterically (those who are afraid of the word “esoterically,” do not read any more or prepare ammonia in case of fainting). At the dawn of our relationship with my present husband (when he had not even suspected falling in love with me) I had a DREAM…

I will not retell all of it. The plot ultimately boils down to my climbing the mountain after my beloved, and to seeing myself in a dangerous position when I could fall over the edge at any moment. And my beloved did absolutely nothing to rescue me.

I was in Russia at that time, and he was in America, and I offered him to share our intertre … sorry, interpretations of the dream. Of course, I expected the descriptions of his heroic deeds aimed at my rescue in the name of love. Cast a stone at me if you are one of those who do not expect feats in the name of love. However, I suffered severe disappointment. My beloved described in a picturesque way how he had enjoyed the magnificent scenery after the rain, waiting until I climb to the mountain top.

Having survived the shock, I began to reflect on why he had stayed so calm. And, to my surprise, I came to the conclusion that he had noticed something in me that I had not valued and recognized myself. But he was confident that his assistance had not been needed.
Since then we’ve been living together for a long time, and remember the lessons learned then. He tries to pay attention to what I do and how he can help me, and I ask for help when I really need it. He knows that if I ask for help, it is not a trifle, and performs my requests as well as he can.

I wonder how you make it. Do you hang requests and orders on others, because you are too lazy to do things? Or do you take all chores upon yourself, because you are used to “take care of others” from your childhood and do everything unselfishly? Or is there some conscious equivalent of exchange, which allows you to feel good?
Personally, I am for asking. Humans are imperfect creatures, and there is no shame in the fact that we do not know something and do not know how to do it. Moreover, in recent years, a lot of wonderful things happened in my life because I asked and people willingly shared with me. And still share.

They share because I cannot do some things myself at present and I really need it. They share because they see their interests it in. They share because I can offer something in return. Sometimes it’s just a public gratitude, sometimes services. Or I can simply pay money. But in any case, I clearly formulate my request and explain why I need it.
Sometimes people do not answer me. Sometimes they do not do what I asked for. So what? When I really need something, I continue to look for it. There is no time left for regrets.

Do I do something unselfishly? When it implies receiving no money, yes, I do, and a lot. But I try to understand it clearly and, if possible, to say out loud what I will get thanks to it. And how that what I get will compensate for the spending of my energy.

For example, when I see happy faces of my grandchildren, smeared in jam as a result of eating pancakes baked by me, it is much more important than all the rest. And I can prioritize something matching the picture with the children’s faces, including the level of business. The main thing is to understand why I do it and not to shift my responsibility for the results on others.

My life has become much easier. I’ve got less anxious expectation and spending of nervous energy. I’ve got more freedom and joy, and therefore, more love. With that though, I’ve got more accusations of “greed.” But I will survive.

Categories: Empowering Each Other
Tags: asking for help, being greedy or generous, getting assistance, waste of energy