Happy Life with a Russian Wife

Posted By admin on January 14, 2010

We continue to publish the actual correspondence on international families’ lives. We hope you will enjoy reading the response to the letter published in the previous post “The Power of Habits” (people’s names are changed).

“Hi, Olga! Your letter was very interesting. I still think of it much because it is really important and because in reality overcoming the resistance does take a lot of energy. However, this process is very creative, and it makes me happy that my husband and I grow during this process. I want to share with you a few thoughts and situations from my own experience, which perhaps would be useful to you.

I think that when our husbands are resisting our good intentions with all their might, they do not resist us. In fact, some kind of trauma from their past is hiding behind every effort of resistance – I guess a trauma from the relationship with their previous wives and mothers. For example, once again after having cried my heart out, I articulated my feelings to Ron. I let him know how I felt about his showing me the place I should have occupied in his life at the extent he would be comfortable with. It turned out that his comfort implied my being extremely grateful to him and asking nothing in response, because every purchase for me, for instance, gave him a headache (literally), and my every sentence caused his irritation and fatigue. It took a long time for him to make sure I had had meant well.

The paradox is that his imaginary me, who would occupy a very small place in his life, does not suit him in reality, because he had fallen in love not with a commonplace person, but with a very self-sufficient and creative one. That meant that as soon as I started complying with his unconscious requirements, I would no longer exist as an equal and interest him as a person. I would have become at best a servant.

We needed equality and partner relations, which meant equality and partnership in the house, both of us feeling at home, and not just him. However, I saw no reason to fight for it, because it took too much of my strength. By the way, my body rebelled against that, because I started to gain weight, though I had eaten a little and moved enough. That was a sign that my body wanted to occupy more space in his house.

Having thought for a while he, with some surprise (for him, not for me), told me the following story. When his first ex-wife and he had moved in their house, she occupied almost all the space, leaving for him only one small room at the basement. After the divorce, consciously or unconsciously, he tried to occupy all the vacant space and destroy the design created by Grace. So that was why everything in his house was messed up. Therefore, while agreeing in mind with my proposals to redesign the house (which was not difficult to accept, because everything had been a terrible mess), he wildly resisted the control over him, which, as it seemed, could have occurred again, in our marriage.

Note, this happened quite unconsciously, because he understood that the changes were necessary, but so far he could do nothing with his feeling. He did not fight with me, because I proposed ideas for discussion only. He unconsciously engaged in a dialogue with his past: with his first wife, who had been a strong person indeed (in fact, she was an army officer who still tries to command all her family, especially her grandchildren, from which their children unobtrusively guard them).

The second ex-wife manipulated him using her “weakness.” For example, she would not even pay the bills, because “she did not know how to do it.” However, he bought a big house for her, for “she needed more space for her workshop.” Moreover, Ron invested so much money in her business, which had been obviously hopeless, that when I think about it, I see stars (imagine my surprise and anger). At the same time, during her life, that “helpless” woman had had three husbands, including Ron. And each of them left her with a decent capital and paid alimony after the divorce. Even now, when she has got a decent inheritance from her father, Ron continues to pay her alimony. This is the law and nothing can be changed, and this will continue for another year.

Further on, he probably had a very controlling mother, though he had been very fond of her. But perhaps that was why he chose controlling women. Having lived for several years without control and having realized how great it was as well, Ron resists, at the unconscious level, anything that even remotely resembles the restriction of his freedom. But this, again, is a dialogue with his past and not with the real me.

By the way, I had had enough of control in my life: in my Russian family, the last word was always mine (although my first husband was wonderful). But now I do not want to be the only person responsible for everything that happens in my present life. On the other hand, it does not make sense for me to follow someone else’s initiative simply and humbly, when my initiative is not worse, and to subordinate myself to another person’s will. In this regard, I am also conducting a dialogue with my past rather than with my present.

For me, the only effective way out is to talk openly about all our feelings, whatever cranky they might sometimes seem. Because after these conversations, when we understand each other, Ron finds strength for a new breakthrough, and he gives suggestions that are much better than I would have come up to alone. And he is not afraid to spend his money on them. In this fashion, by fits and starts, we are moving on…”

To be continued.

Categories: Family Matters, Home Sweet Home, Letters As They Are
Tags: a home for both spouses, a Russian-speaking wife, blaming, control, Emotions, Feelings, Happy Marriage, international families, Leaving behind pain and disappointment, Mutual Understanding, new discoveries, New Home, partnership relations, resistance to control, sharing of ideas, wives manipulating husbands with their weaknesses