Look Who Is Talking. Part Two.
Posted By admin on May 27, 2010
We continue publishing the series of interviews with successful Russian women living abroad. Liubov Latypova, a life-coach for women and the author of the seven-month coaching program “The Winner for Real” shares with Marianne Tambellini her approaches to life. Having dwelled upon the impossibility of escape from oneself, the women discuss the strategies used by Russian women to achieve success abroad. They stopped at the issue of how important it is to realize one’s intentions and to understand what for one is going abroad.
Liubov Latypova (L.L.): The prince turns out to be a down-to-earth guy. He counts money, and has his own ideas about family and reasons for getting married. If they are not discussed before the wedding, as it happens very often, a woman will be deeply disillusioned (and a man too).
This is particularly true about money issues. When I visit forums of women living overseas, I see a lot of angry and desperate comments and topics. When I ask them, “Why not discuss it with your husbands and simply resolve the issues?” the chorus of voices rises. Those voices say, “He supports me as is,” or “He is obliged to support me, but he is a jerk (excuse my French) who does not want to understand my needs.” All this comes from misunderstanding, and the misunderstanding comes from a very low self-esteem, or from excessive demands, or from some unconscious internal beliefs. But when all this is realized, when all this is articulated and discussed, many problems can be avoided. And you are an example for me in this sense, because you did not only dream about your love come true, but chose it by saying some important things, thus having escaped big problems.
Marianna Tambellini (M.T.): Yes, you know, even before I learnt the technology on how to achieve one’s goals and make one’s dreams come true, when I started searching for my husband via the Internet ten years ago, I set a very clear objective. What I wanted was a man who would be not much older than me, without children (because I got my fingers burnt in my previous marriages, with my husbands having children from other marriages), athletic type, from an English-speaking country, etc. I had it all written down, and the most amazing was that all of it came true. My husband is a former professional hockey player, a businessman now; he is only four years older than me, has no children or ex wives. That is, my order was carried out one hundred percent. I do not believe it myself, but seeing is believing.
L.L.: If we analyze it, you had no illusions. You had set clear parameters, and some of them were essential for you. Both of you discussed some things before the wedding. For example, as far as I know from your words, your husband and you knew in advance that you would not need to work to provide for the living. Both of you agreed that you would have some time for yourself so that you could find an occupation. You had a notion of the desirable level of income, and were aware of its sources. You knew about the family traditions with which you could agree. So you went abroad with your eyes open. Therefore, despite some difficulties everybody faces (and I think that is normal because it’s thanks to the difficulties that we are growing), it was not a disaster for you. You had other values and important things that have kept you on this path. The same thing happened to me.
I can tell you how I met my future husband. It was a fantasy at the level of mysticism.
M.T.: Liuba, you wrote about it in your blog, but please share this incredible story with us.
L.L.: I saw my second husband in my dreams. I’ve been studying dreams since the death of my first husband. Before it, I was a sportswoman and an activist of the Young Communist League, but then, in my dream, I learnt about the death of my first husband. That’s why I started my studies of it. Just a few months before our meeting with my second husband, I had dreams with a tall elderly American man, with whom I would had love correspondence, and I knew only three words – I love you.
M.T.: You did not know English at all?
L.L.: I knew it at the university level that was pretty basic. It implied the absence of speaking skills, just reading a little bit and understanding some rules. But by that time I had got a job at an international program, so I had to learn English anyway. Two months later, I met my future husband. My friend, whom I had urged to apply for a job at an international program and who had finally got it, introduced me to an American. He had come to work as a short-term consultant in that program. She didn’t intend to bring us together; she did not even know that he had been divorced. She introduced us to each other, because we were two journalists who had common themes for discussion.
By the way, at the time I saw him in my dreams, he was finishing his work at another country. Once he took his camera and hurried to the coast. It had been so beautiful there that he prayed, “Lord, send me a companion who would share all this beauty with me.” Two months later he arrived to Russia and got to my birthday, from whence our relationship started. Since then, we have celebrated our birthdays together. This is my story.
M.T.: And what happened next?
L.L.: Then we had been visiting each other for the four years to come, and writing letters to each other. We had a very nice and romantic love story. But when we decided to get married and I moved from Russia to the U.S.A., everything turned out quite differently. Once we crossed the threshold, all the romance vanished. We were just scared about what we had done! My husband turned very reserved, snapping at my attempts to get closer, and I sobbed wondering what I was doing there. But we had a goal not to fail in building our relationship (because it was the third marriage for him), and we just started to move towards each other. We were sitting together and talking for three or four hours, realizing our unconscious beliefs and understanding how far they are from what actually is. And that was the right thing to do. Our present relationship is even better than we had had during the romantic period.
M.T.: They are built on a different basis of deep understanding.
L.L.:Now, if something goes wrong, we ask questions to each other, and do not feed our fantasies or suppress some ideas and thoughts. We simply begin talking, agreeing and understanding what is hiding behind them, and value each other even better for this. The strategy has helped us both to reach an entirely different level of life. It helped me start and develop my business, because I understand how difficult it is for many women to undergo the period of adaptation. Never have I met people who would not have gone through misunderstandings, the crash of illusions and disappointments during that period. And if they work through it properly, then everything becomes much better.
M.T.: Can you say that you have adjusted perfectly, or are there some realities in your life that are difficult for you to accept? Or have you just learned to accept things as they are? There should be some criteria against which one defines what can be accepted and what cannot. Because it is clear that the life abroad is completely different, and it is not the new country that should get adjusted to us, but it’s we who should adjust ourselves to the new country. But what to do if there is something that you cannot accept for sure? And how comfortable do you feel now in this environment?
L.L.: If you absolutely cannot accept something, then it is better not to live here I think. But as far as I am concerned, I had no problems with adaptability. It was at the level of feelings. As soon as I got here, I had a strong feeling that it was mine. When I arrived here for the first time, I sat down near the burning fireplace… The table was ready for dinner. And I wept. He asked me, “Why do you cry?” and I said, “It seems that I’ve come home. After a very long journey, I am home.” I had not seen the house yet! And we arrived at night, so I had not seen the city. And I had been flying for almost 24 hours from the Russia Far East, and I was so tired, but I had a feeling that I’ve finally got home. And later, whatever happened, the feeling that I am home stays as something natural: I am where I should be.
To be continued.
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