Happy Life with a Russian Wife

Posted By admin on September 3, 2010

For a very long time, I wanted to write this. And every time, I postponed it… I have been watching.

Until I made sure that the most frequent search phrase in my online project for international families “Happy Life with a Russian Wife” is “dominant wife” in its different variations. And, by the way, it was the same for both the English and Russian versions of the project.

I have also found out that the search phrase “you are a jerk” is pretty popular. It got into my blog “Life in the Era of Change” a few years ago thanks to a single publication “What to Do if You are a Jerk, or a Real Quarrel is a Creative Thing.” This post, as I remember, was my response to a desperate man, whose sister did not call him any other way.

Judging by this indicator, women seem to be extremely aggressive creatures, reminding me of such huge country women with beaters in their hands. However, once I came across a search phrase, “Why does my husband get angry at me after 25 years of marriage?” The question sounded somehow sheepishly though.

God forbid, I am not going to defend or justify, or blame anyone. My clients (mostly women) and I quickly sort these things out, and their relationships begin to improve even on the verge of divorce. It is next door to a miracle.

So I would like to talk a little bit about the following unconscious contradiction fixed steadily in stereotypes.

Almost all women seek marriage. When they do not want to get married, they long to have meaningful relationships. I am no judge of men’s aspirations, but it seems they do not mind getting married either as far as the majority of them sooner or later says goodbye to their bachelorship.

So we can conclude that family is a very attractive institution for those on this side of the barrier. As soon as you find yourself on the opposite side of it, you realize that it is a cell you would eagerly escape.

Think about the following stereotypical beliefs: “a husband or a wife should…,” “children are obliged to…,” not mentioning of the parents who seem to owe it to everyone. These statements are totally invalid.

There lived two independent persons capable of coping with issues and problems pretty well. But as soon as they got married, where did their independence disappear? Immediately, they seem to have lost their ability to move and think clearly  burdened with worries.

I do not know who of the spouses is more zealous in this regard. I have already mentioned that I work mostly with women. In a fit of maternal care, they try to shoulder all family chores and  make it absolutely comfortable for their husbands, so that the husbands would quickly forget that they used to be self-sufficient persons. The other extreme is when a wife hangs on her husband the duty of providing her maintenance, as if she has suddenly turned into a helpless creature. For example, while discussing her fled husband, one of my clients, a very clever and talented person, exclaimed, “How could he cast adrift his two girls!” implying that the girls were her daughter and her.

The treatment in this case is simple.

• Realizing that family is not a prison with sheer obligations without rights, but a voluntary union of two independent and sound (in most cases) adults.

• Partners can get much more in this union if they understand their mutual goals, are aware of each other’s strengths and weaknesses and organize their life together in a way that strengthens rather than weakens the best in each of them and lets them get better results together.

• Agreeing on the responsibilities and in general on the conditions of living together without putting a pressure on the other partner to make him/her obey your rules.

• Understanding that your partner is a free person like you.

• The opposite is true – realizing that you are a free person too.

• Refusing reading each other’s thoughts and engaging in predictions.

• Instead, talking and asking questions to each other.

• Asking for support instead of ordering something with a pointing finger. And

• Knowing when your partner can give you this support, and when it is better to ask somebody else for assistance.

Feel free to share your own rules of a happy family life with us.

Categories: Empowering Each Other
Tags: a dominant wife, gender roles, women agression